This week in class we discussed the topic of sexual intimacy within a relationship and its importance and functions. One of the most interesting things that i learned during this weeks lessons was about some of the reasons and biology behind why men and women would desire sexual relations at certain times in their marriage.
It has been found in research that men typically would enjoy having sexual relations with their partner with the purpose in mind not just of gratification but with the goal of becoming closer to their partner both physically and emotionally. It seems to be a way to fulfill a sense of attachment that is desired for men so that they may be able to become more united with their spouse when they don't feel so close at that moment. now what is very interesting is that the typical women in the studies done on this subject have desired sexual relations with their spouse only after they feel comfortable enough and close enough to be able to be intimate with them.
From this is can be seen why men can be seen as always wanting sex, even during a time of struggle in the marriage. I find it fascinating that men have desires for sexual relations with the goal of closeness in mind when women would desire to have these relations only after they feel safe enough and close enough with their partner to trust them. its no wonder why sexual relations can become an area of conflict for couples.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
How to Avoid the "Baby Blues"
During class this week we discussed the effect that children have on the common marriage within the United States. What is interesting is that when the first child is born and every subsequent child who follows actually brings with it a decrease in the amount of marital satisfaction that a couple shares. This information was very interesting to me because being raised in the LDS faith, i have been taught since the can remember that children are what brings true happiness to a family and was led to believe that if your marriage is struggling that a child would help to strengthen it. Before i go on i need to clarify that it is not a doctrine of the church that in order to fix a faltering marriage one should have a child; this was just an idea that was popular in the Mormon culture in my area. The statistics and research on this topic have been extremely interesting to me because they show that for the general population, having a child is not a good way to save a marriage.
Generally speaking, marital satisfaction takes a dramatic down turn for most couples after having there first child. After the birth of the first child, marital satisfaction tends to level out a little bit as the couple becomes accustomed to having this new addition into their family and the new responsibilities it brings. Then comes the birth of the second child and with it, another drop in marital satisfaction. This pattern tends to continue until there are no new children brought into the family. At this point, the couples marital satisfaction levels out at this lower level for a long and consistent period of time which typically lasts until the first child leaves the home to go off to collage or pursue other endeavors. When this first child leaves home, the couples level of marital satisfaction seems to have a sharp curve upwards, or in other words, it begins to improve or get higher than it had been in a fairly long time. This tends to happen consistently until every child has left the home. When all the children have left home the couple are now not only empty nesters but typically are experiencing as much if not more marital satisfaction than they shared within the first couple of years of their marriage before they had there first child.
I don't know about you but when i first heard these statistics and findings i was a little nervous. i had no idea that for most couples in the United States that children actually brought with them a decrease in marital satisfaction. I don't want this to happen in my family, and thankfully, with this knowledge of what typically happens to marital satisfaction along with having children, i can prevent the drop in satisfaction from occurring.
My solution is not to never have children, although that may seem like a very valid solution. What can be done to prevent this down turn is to know why the drops in marital satisfaction occur with each child. Typically, mothers have a giant increase in their work load which brings more stress, less sleep, less time to yourself, and less time with your spouse; Fathers find that their wife is more occupied with the little one so they can no longer spend as much quality time together, their bond with their wife has changed because there is a new "charmed circle" of mother and baby that they may not feel a part of, and they simply find it hard to relate with what their wife has gone through and is doing while in they are at work.
Now that we can understand where some of the stress in a marriage can come from, as well as the decrease in marital satisfaction we can come up with ways of how to prevent that decrease and actually make it so that with every child born there is actually a sharp increase in marital satisfaction. my question for you is what are some of the things we can do to prevent the decrease in marital satisfaction and have a sharp increase instead? if you are married and have children, what are some things that have worked for you and your spouse or that you wish you would have done or plan to do with your next child?
Generally speaking, marital satisfaction takes a dramatic down turn for most couples after having there first child. After the birth of the first child, marital satisfaction tends to level out a little bit as the couple becomes accustomed to having this new addition into their family and the new responsibilities it brings. Then comes the birth of the second child and with it, another drop in marital satisfaction. This pattern tends to continue until there are no new children brought into the family. At this point, the couples marital satisfaction levels out at this lower level for a long and consistent period of time which typically lasts until the first child leaves the home to go off to collage or pursue other endeavors. When this first child leaves home, the couples level of marital satisfaction seems to have a sharp curve upwards, or in other words, it begins to improve or get higher than it had been in a fairly long time. This tends to happen consistently until every child has left the home. When all the children have left home the couple are now not only empty nesters but typically are experiencing as much if not more marital satisfaction than they shared within the first couple of years of their marriage before they had there first child.
I don't know about you but when i first heard these statistics and findings i was a little nervous. i had no idea that for most couples in the United States that children actually brought with them a decrease in marital satisfaction. I don't want this to happen in my family, and thankfully, with this knowledge of what typically happens to marital satisfaction along with having children, i can prevent the drop in satisfaction from occurring.
My solution is not to never have children, although that may seem like a very valid solution. What can be done to prevent this down turn is to know why the drops in marital satisfaction occur with each child. Typically, mothers have a giant increase in their work load which brings more stress, less sleep, less time to yourself, and less time with your spouse; Fathers find that their wife is more occupied with the little one so they can no longer spend as much quality time together, their bond with their wife has changed because there is a new "charmed circle" of mother and baby that they may not feel a part of, and they simply find it hard to relate with what their wife has gone through and is doing while in they are at work.
Now that we can understand where some of the stress in a marriage can come from, as well as the decrease in marital satisfaction we can come up with ways of how to prevent that decrease and actually make it so that with every child born there is actually a sharp increase in marital satisfaction. my question for you is what are some of the things we can do to prevent the decrease in marital satisfaction and have a sharp increase instead? if you are married and have children, what are some things that have worked for you and your spouse or that you wish you would have done or plan to do with your next child?
Friday, June 1, 2012
Mormon Culture and Courtship
One thing that i have always been fascinated by at BYU-Idaho is the strange cultural importance of getting married as quickly as is humanly possible. It seems like dating has lost its importance or sway and people tend to go on 2 or 3 dates and become quickly preoccupied with either their own thoughts of marriage or roommates, friends, or family members bringing up the topic of marriage to them because 3 dates shows so much promise and means so much in the area of commitment. It seems to me that people are concentrating too much on the Brethrens talks about the importance of marriage or getting married and not on their talks about courtship, dating, or finding the right person. If this truly is the case and isn't just what i am perceiving than i am worried about the problems that can stem from a line of thinking such as this.
In class this week we learned about the importance of dating and courtship before marriage and we looked at the research on the marital happiness and satisfaction of people who dated less than three months before committing to marriage or getting married. Before i get into the research on dating i think it is important to define what dating truly is according to the brethren of the church.
The attributes of a date and what each attribute shows according to the Brethren:
Paired off - Protect
Planned out - Preside
Paid for - Provide
Dating is not just hanging out in this case but is an activity that will show these three attributes. These are important because then the relationship parameters and hopes can be more clearly defined, if one is looking for a relationship, and multiple attributes and characteristics of your companion on the date can be viewed or perceived by what they do according to these three attributes. This being said, research has shown that people should typically date longer than three months, if not much longer, because after this amount of time your partners behavior in multiple situations will have been viewed by you so that you can make a more informed decision as if to marry them or not. Also, after three months typically the good face or mask begins to come off. I think we can all identify that early in a relationship we all put on our best face for the person we are dating. Typically this holds towards marriage in a short courtship, so frequently a spouse may say to him or herself, "this isn't the person i married" or "I never knew or saw this side of my partner." I want it to be clear that this is not the case for every marriage that happens after a short time of knowing someone or dating but statistics have shown that people who follow the trend of marriage stated above have a greater likelihood to end in divorce.
The question then is what do we do about this issue or is it an issue at all? Do the brethren really push so hard for marriage that it trumps what they say about dating in members minds? Is this pattern fine for Mormons?
I don't know the the answers to these questions but it will be interesting to see what marital trends come of these cultural trends.
this
In class this week we learned about the importance of dating and courtship before marriage and we looked at the research on the marital happiness and satisfaction of people who dated less than three months before committing to marriage or getting married. Before i get into the research on dating i think it is important to define what dating truly is according to the brethren of the church.
The attributes of a date and what each attribute shows according to the Brethren:
Paired off - Protect
Planned out - Preside
Paid for - Provide
Dating is not just hanging out in this case but is an activity that will show these three attributes. These are important because then the relationship parameters and hopes can be more clearly defined, if one is looking for a relationship, and multiple attributes and characteristics of your companion on the date can be viewed or perceived by what they do according to these three attributes. This being said, research has shown that people should typically date longer than three months, if not much longer, because after this amount of time your partners behavior in multiple situations will have been viewed by you so that you can make a more informed decision as if to marry them or not. Also, after three months typically the good face or mask begins to come off. I think we can all identify that early in a relationship we all put on our best face for the person we are dating. Typically this holds towards marriage in a short courtship, so frequently a spouse may say to him or herself, "this isn't the person i married" or "I never knew or saw this side of my partner." I want it to be clear that this is not the case for every marriage that happens after a short time of knowing someone or dating but statistics have shown that people who follow the trend of marriage stated above have a greater likelihood to end in divorce.
The question then is what do we do about this issue or is it an issue at all? Do the brethren really push so hard for marriage that it trumps what they say about dating in members minds? Is this pattern fine for Mormons?
I don't know the the answers to these questions but it will be interesting to see what marital trends come of these cultural trends.
this
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